My friend Jason has a great way of justifying bad decisions by breaking the decision down into tenses. Future Jason has to deal with the consequences, Present Jason is naive and makes the decision, while Past Jason is stuck with all the regrets. Present T managed to make one really and truly bad decision and Future T is dealing with the fallout. Yep, I had to call The Ex tonight and even though he did not bother to answer, I am still in a tailspin of sadness. I was hoping that six months out, the picture would be brighter and I would have the internal strength to deal with a simple phone call. I will say that I am in a much better place now. My new job is going really, really well and I really have the greatest friends on the planet (more on that later) but having my one big, bad decision crop up still sucks.

So here I am, alone and crying in my room…again. It’s pathetic. I think this time it has more to do with the frustration of not being able to control things than anything else. I mean, all I wanted to do was cancel the internet at my house and I cannot even check that simple task off my list since it is not in my name. Are you kidding me? UGH! I did my duty and called him (twice), left a message, and now I wait for The Ex to call me back. Of course, I would appreciate it if he would just take care of it and leave me out of it but I believe that would be asking too much. Sigh. My life.

I know everyone has their bad days, ones where everything feels a bit off even if there were no particularly bad incidents. For me, yesterday was that day. What started out as a great day quickly turned into an emotionally taxing one and I am not sure when I hit that exit ramp.

To begin, I must thank both Missy and Jesse for gently prodding me to get out of bed and hit the trail. Without an early morning text from Jesse, I might not have moved until sometime around noon, as is my usual wont on a Sunday, but text he did and I drug my sorry butt out of my lonely bed. We hiked for an hour with a ten minute break at the top of the hill (Missy religiously times these things or else I would not know that) and then hit up Hot Shots in Fenton for post-good-thing bad food. I believe everything on that menu has bacon on it in some form. The burger Missy and I split included bacon, a chipotle spread, and jalapeno poppers. Who comes up with this stuff? It was rather tasty, though.

I managed to make it to my house and shower before crashing but that is where the good part of my day ended. I took one look around my apartment and realized that I could procrastinate no longer; I had to start cleaning. The bathroom being the nastiest place, I tried to tackle that first. I have no idea how my shower came to have a black bottom but cleaning it only seems to move the dirt from one side of it to the other. I have known this for a while but for some reason, I found myself crying tears of frustration within a few minutes of project commencement. I feel like my dirty, disorganized house is a symbol for all that is wrong with my life right now. I cannot even get one corner clean before everything is all messed up again. How does anyone manage a 6000 square foot manse?!?!

Next thing I know, I am trying to keep my tears in check while getting cleaning advice from my mother and grandmother over the phone. It must have been obvious to them that I was losing control because my dad called me about an hour later and he is not one to pick up the phone for some idle chat. By that point, I had scrapped the entire cleaning project in favor of surfing the internet. I have decided that pointedly ignoring the disaster surrounding me is better for my sanity than attempting to correct the problem on my own. So if anyone out there wants to throw me a cleaning party, I am definitely open to the idea.